Having emotional boundaries is vital in being able to practice self-care. In my healing journey, God showed me that loving yourself is learning to desire the best for yourself. I realized to overcome emotional trauma, that I needed to take a deeper dive in creating boundaries to prevent reopening old wounds. This is what God showed me…
Emotional boundaries-Stop expecting others to meet your emotional needs
It is important to realize that people are flawed. According to scripture, we can’t put our trust in people to save us because they will disappoint us almost every time. This will result in us feeling unhappy and unfulfilled.
We can never look to men for help [save our soul]; no matter who they are, they can’t save us, for even our great leaders fail and fall. They too are just mortals who will one day die. At death the spirits of all depart and their bodies return to dust. In the day of their death all their projects and plans are over. But those who hope in the Lord will be happy and pleased! Our help comes from the God of Jacob!
Psalm 146: 3-5
In the above scripture, we see that expecting others to meet our emotional needs whether they are your mother, father, or friend, is unfruitful. As human beings we are made with a mortal flesh, thus our bodies are devoid of grace and will one day die. The person that you are believing to give you emotional support will NOT be there for you because their purpose here on earth will die with them. Their purpose in life is NOT TO SUPPORT YOU emotionally but to live out their own destiny.
The only person that can save your soul ( your emotional understanding and revelation of who you are) is God. He gives you emotional identity and will sustain your soul.
So, if you are emotionally mature, then you will love people where they currently are emotionally, rather than grasping for them to give you what you need. You will realize that they cannot pour back into you the same way that you are pouring into Yourself!
Emotional boundaries-Emotionally immature people cannot pour back into you
Toxic people like a mother with mother wounds, or controlling issues will not have the capacity to love you the way that you should be loved. You will need to find that love in God and learning to love yourself.
I remember years ago, meeting a religious woman that said that loving yourself is “demonic and unchristian”. That is a false gospel because God says in Matthew 22:39 “ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself”
God wants us to love ourselves by desiring good things for our minds, body, and spirit. You can only love someone faithfully and unconditionally, by learning to love yourself.
So, if you are emotionally mature ( you have learned to be fulfilled emotionally with God- 13 Emotional Needs), then you will love people where they currently are emotionally, rather than grasping for them to give you what you need. You will realize that they cannot pour back into you the same way that you are pouring into Yourself!
In essence, your love tank remains eternally full!
Emotional Boundaries-Share your emotional needs with safe people
We shouldn’t trust people to meet our emotional needs but we can share our burdens with others that are safe. This means that it is okay to share with a fellow brother or sister in Christ your troubles with being emotionally fulfilled. They can be there to point you back to Jesus in love and grace. Look out for believers that also demonstrate healthy emotional boundaries in showing you how to love yourself.
Love empowers us to fulfill the law of the Anointed One as we carry each other’s troubles.
Galatians 6:2 PT
Stop expecting people to change for you
If a person presents themselves a certain way to you then believe that is who they are. I remember Maya Angelou’s famous quote: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
This message is two fold:
1) We sometimes project our false ideologies on people ( we project our pain on others in hopes that they will see our pain) or 2) we also expect others to change to our perceived fantasies of our deepest need.
This will lead to a dead-end situation. People can not be shaped into our perceptions of what we need. We will face rejection, hurt, and pain almost every time because we fail in realizing that people are not God. The root issue here is fear and control. Fear of not getting what you want and attempting to control someone to fit your needs. You often find this in toxic mother and daughter relationships.
Learn to say no to rejection thoughts, fear, and victimization
Part of building up your emotional inner man, is to take inventory of your emotions. Take captive every negative thought and see how it lines up with the word of God. Emotional hang ups can show up as rejection, fear, and victimization.
This is the rationale of someone that is experiencing these toxic emotions.
You see, I’ve done everything for that person and this is how they treat me. How can they not see that I want to be loved, seen, and cared for?!!! [Rejection] They are supposed to read my mind and give me what I want. I keep giving but they don’t give back to me what I’m giving. You see, they don’t love me [ victimization]. I will make them understand. Even if I get hurt again! [Fear].
Signs of rejection, fear, and victimization active in your life
- Small things that people do to you bother you ( you feel extreme rejection)
- When someone suddenly changes plans with you, you feel unloved
- You expect people to read your mind
- Advice or suggestions by others to help you heal emotionally does not make you feel better
- You expect “You” from others and get upset when the person does not meet your expectations
These are some signs to look for when taking inventory of your emotions. It is important to write these “traumatic symptoms” down somewhere in a journal and learn to fill yourself up with God’s love for you. God’s love is deep and it shows up as the 13- core emotional needs in Emotional Abandonment: When a Mother’s Love Abandons You. Once you are done with taking inventory of your emotional needs, it is important to create emotional boundaries.
Continue healing your emotions:
Open letter on Emotional Abandonment for Daughters to Heal Now
How Toxic Mothers Are Enmeshed With Their Daughters
Emotional Abandonment: When a Mother’s Love Abandons You
How Toxic Mothers Use Emotional Trauma: What You Should Know Now
