After going no contact with my narcissistic mother, I initially felt relief that I would not have to face trauma and narcissistic abuse ever again. I have read stories of people going no contact, but you don’t really know how it feels until you experience it for yourself. I learned some hard truths that I don’t think many daughters of narcissistic mothers really understand until it hits them when they are an adult child with triggering thoughts and feelings.
What is going no contact?
Going no contact is when you suspend all communication with your narcissistic or abusive mother. This includes not calling her on special holidays or birthdays. If you have decided to go no contact, this means that you have come to the point of no return so that you can truly heal and be at peace with yourself.
Reasons to go no contact: 3 Behavior Patterns to look out for
Going no contact showed me I was a fixer, people-pleaser, and defender of my own actions
Fixer
As an adult, I often feel the pressure to call my mother to make her into the person that she should be- less angry and jealous, etc. I also feel the pressure to apologize for nothing I did wrong. There is a voice that says that I am responsible for her emotional state as if I am the parent and she is the child. These are classic signs of why going no contact is so important. You are responsible for your own emotional state and well-being.
People-Pleaser
I realized during this journey that I wanted to please my mother. Society tells us that mothers are amazing people that we should honor. For some people, we are called to “worship and adore them” for birthing us. I realized that I wanted to submit to her “like the good little girl” from my childhood, that always listens, always obeys, and does not object even if it hurts me in the long run.
Defender
I fought the urge to call my mother so that I could defend myself. I wanted to tell her why I stopped calling and to prove to her that her narcissistic behavior affected me negatively. But I quickly realized that I only wanted to call her to prove my stance. In my mind, she was the judge that had the power to recognize my worth and be the executioner of my fate as her daughter.
Untold Truth: You are not your mother!
The untold truth that will help you during this no contact journey is to realize that you are not your mother. Her baggage and mother wounds does not belong to you. She actually believes that she is not doing anything wrong. Most of her parenting consisted of projecting her wounds onto you. You will need to get this revelation so that you can continue on your healing journey.
Stop explaining yourself
You do not need to explain yourself to your mother. She was the one that abused you, manipulated you intentionally, and tormented you with lies and deception. She is the unstable person that needs to repent for her actions. Not you. In fact trying to explain yourself to a narcissistic mother is like trying to jump from an airplane without a parachute. There is a high chance that you won’t make a safe landing. Your mother is not a safe place to land your feelings, thoughts, or will. She does not have the capacity to steward your feelings well.
It is not your job to fix your mother
You do not need to fix your mother because it is God’s job to mend your mother’s broken heart and to heal mother wounds from her childhood. The sooner you can realize that her wounds are not meant for you to carry, the easier it will be to accept your individuality.
You don’t owe your mother anything
Your narcissistic mother may have told you that you owe her your life. You know the saying- “ I gave birth to you” or how about this one- I payed for your college tuition and this is how you repay me ( when you decide to drop out of college). When it was time for me to move out of my childhood home, my mother told me that she was hoping that I would live in the home until I got married. She also said that she was expecting me to pay her house bills and shamed me for deciding to leave.
Listen when I say this…. you don’t owe her anything. You don’t owe her an apology, loyalty, your life, your will, or even your feelings! You have the permission and the right to keep these things to yourself.
How to grieve after going no contact with your mother
Learn to address these core feelings by the root
Regret
Feelings of regret may come from years of being the one that had to apologize to your mother. I was often fed a large dose of enablers who would advocate for my mother’s behavior. She was the person that had to be coddled, forgiven quickly, and allowed to abuse in the name of “love.” Let go of the fear that you are disappointing your mother. You are not the bad little girl. You are in the image of God. Accept this truth today to continue on your healing journey of being whole.
Shame
There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. God does not condemn you to hell. You have been given grace and mercy by God to live life in Him. You are called to be reconciled with Jesus through the power of His blood. Narcissistic mothers and her enablers will try to make you feel shame for living life without your mother. But you must resist the shame. It is not your portion.
Guilt
Guilt will try to infiltrate it’s way into your life by some of your mother’s word curses. She may have judged you for not being good enough, kind, loving, and generous with your time and resources. You were a pawn in her life to control and if you did not respond accordingly, then you were punished with silent treatments, gaslighting, or she instilled fear about her taking away her love from you.
God’s love is perfect and He will never leave you, punish you, or take away His love from you. His love lasts forever.
There is no fear in love [dread does not exist]. But perfect (complete, full-grown) love drives out fear, because fear involves [the expectation of divine] punishment, so the one who is afraid [of God’s judgment] is not perfected in love [has not grown into a sufficient understanding of God’s love].
1 John 4:18
Learn to love yourself ( nurture your inner child)
It is so important to learn to love yourself during the grieving process. As a child, your narcissistic mother did not love or nurture you properly. She mothered you from her wounds, trauma, and generational beliefs. Now, it is time to do the work of loving all the parts of yourself that were hated or neglected. It is time to re-parent yourself with love.
Related post: How to Grieve a living parent: 5 Ways to overcome
Accept the grief process with grace and God’s love
You are not alone in this process. God is always with you. This is what the Lord told me so many times during this journey:
Do not fear [anything], for I am with you; Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, be assured I will help you; I will certainly take hold of you with My righteous right hand [a hand of justice, of power, of victory, of salvation].’
Isaiah 41:10 AMP
God will give you the strength ( His amazing grace) to help you process through the grief. He will show you how to also give yourself grace when you are being hard on yourself and feeling shame or guilt. Embrace God’s love and allow it to wash over you when you are feeling lonely. Remember He is the lover of your soul which means that He is in the business of loving your heart and nurturing your thoughts, will, and emotions to be more like Him.
Continue reading related posts:
How to Grieve a living parent: 5 Ways to overcome
How to Heal Generational Trauma: When You Are A Mother
