Mothers who are abusive, controlling, and codependent to their daughters can create toxic trauma bonds or an unhealthy trauma attachment. Trauma attachments can keep a child in bondage with their abusive mother for many years. It is important to be aware of the signs of a toxic bond so that you can cut the cord that binds you to trauma wounds and begin the process of being healed and whole. It is now time to end the cycle of toxic generational patterns in your bloodline so that your daughter will thrive in this world.
Trauma Attachment in mothers and daughters- Signs of Toxic Bonds
1. You make excuses for your abusive behavior
When you are confronted by your your daughter or significant other about the abuse, you will often make excuses. You might say that your child made you become abusive because they said things to you that you perceived as being mean or disrespectful. The disrespect that you feel could be as simple as your daughter disagreeing with you or displaying autonomy and independence. When confronted by your daughter in front of an audience, you may gaslight her into believing that the abuse never occurred to protect your reputation.
The effect on your daughter
Your daughter will make excuses for your behavior to other people. This is because she has been programmed to believe through the cycle of “love-bombing” that she is loved and cared for but when you are dissatisfied with her behavior, you withdraw your love quickly. This constant cycle of love-bombing and withdrawal of a loving connection, keeps you daughter in a constant state of panic and wanting to please you so that you will not restart the cycle of abuse again.
2. You manipulate your child to stay with you
It scares you to let your daughter leave the nest to experience life on her own terms. You might experience anxiety attacks or severe heart palpitations when your daughter mentions that she wants to be more independent in making life choices. You might also tell your daughter that her life is in danger if she chooses to leave you. Here are some sayings to look out for:
” How would you survive out there without me?”
” Who will take care of you?”
” I’ve done everything for you, and this is how you treat me”
“How will you find a husband living on your own?”
“I thought you would stay here and pay my bills, etc.”
The effect on your daughter
The daughter may have reservations about leaving the home because of fear of not being able to take care of herself. When I contemplated leaving my mother’s home for the first time, I thought about how scary it would be to live on my own. I worried about not being able to pay my own bills and experienced a poor mentality ( constantly afraid that I would be in lack of resources, money, or a nice home). I believed that my life would be unstable without my mother’s input or support.
3. You manipulate your child to be loyal to you
You emphasize that loyalty comes with you daughter sacrificing her own wishes to please you. No matter the cost, your daughter should follow your beliefs even if they hurt her in the long run. Disloyalty is punished with silent treatments for extended amounts of time. You want her to bend to your will and you may use emotional manipulation, to have her think your way.
The effect on your daughter
Your daughter may grow up remaining in toxic relationships longer than she should because her natural intuition ( her knowing spiritual gift) has been shut off. She is not able to discern when a situation is destroying her sense of autonomy or being able to discern right from wrong.
4. You overpower your child
You play the role of “master and dictator” to your daughter. Instead of your daughter being your child, you treat her more as a slave to own as property or someone to rule over. You do this to gain and to maintain control over your child’s behavior.
The effect on your daughter
Your daughter will learn that she must submit to your will in fear that you will abandon or reject her. She will do everything in her power to make sure that you are happy with her behavior as a child. This may translate into how she relates to men ( i.e., seeing men as domineering).
5. You become emotionally numb to your child voicing their concerns
When your child comes to you about the abuse, you become emotionally numb by denying the situation ever happened. You are not able to emotionally connect to your daughters feelings because in your mind you are never wrong.
The effect on your daughter
Your daughter will also become emotionally numb ( i.e., unable to process her own feelings about herself). If she becomes depressed about the abuse, she may not be able to articulate the depression to others. She has been programmed to believe that her feelings are meaningless and that her “voice” is powerless.
6. Trauma dumping is your super power
You may also try using trauma dumping which is a fancy way of saying that you “over share” your trauma even if it is inappropriate to do so. You know it is inappropriate but you do it anyway to gain sympathy and trust from your child.
The effect on your daughter
Your daughter may inherit the trauma as her own. When I was about 12 years old, I remember how my mother shared with me her sexual abuse story. I felt sadden by what happened to her and felt it was my duty to protect her. When I became an adult, I experienced tremendous fear in regards to sex. God had to show me the root of the fear came from my mother’s trauma dumping and her projecting her fears about sex onto me.
Trauma Attachment in Mothers and Daughters- Break Toxic Bonds
Toxic Codependency of mothers and daughters: Toxic Codependency in Mothers and Daughters: Learn Strong Boundaries
Expose the Stronghold
Discover the stronghold in your bloodline that is keeping you in a toxic attachment with your daughter. In my journey towards healing, the stronghold that was keeping me attached to my mother’s trauma was the spirit of fear. God showed it to me like a pyramid:
Spirit of FEAR ( Stronghold)
Control
Manipulation ( witchcraft)
Superstition
Spirit of Religion
Performance mindset ( e.g., praying in fear)
Victim mentality ( enslaved mentality)
Accusatory spirit ( Pharisees)
Take the time to talk with the Holy Spirit and ask Him to show you the stronghold that is keeping you attached to the trauma in your blood line. Your mother inherited the trauma through her mother and your grandma inherited the trauma through her mother. The cycle continues until you are able recognize the bully that is keeping you in chains.
Related article post: How To Discover The Mother Wound-Root Issues To Overcome
Confront the Spirit by Creating boundaries
Confront the spirit that is on a hunt to keep you in a toxic mother daughter relationship. If you find that the root spirit is fear in your blood line then it is important to create boundaries with the abusers. Sometimes it takes going no contact for a period of time so that you can begin healing. If you as the mother are the abuser, it is important to allow your daughter to leave the toxic environment for the well-being of her soul.
Read more on the toxic mom series:
Toxic Mom Habits- How to be a likeable Mom
