Individuals that suffer from PTSD, emotional trauma, mother wounds, and emotional issues will inevitably encounter abandonment triggers. These triggers can also be the result of two major emotional issues that some people will display to individuals with abandonment wounds: emotional unavailability and emotional insecurity.
As you read through this post on abandonment triggers, you may see an underlying theme which is that both emotional unavailability and insecurity are both traits in narcissistic mothers and codependent mother-daughter relationships. Carefully consider if any of the triggers below relate to your early childhood with your mother.
The Pathway To Abandonment Triggers
There are signs to look out for in an emotionally immature person if you suffer from abandonment. The first pathway is when a person show cases emotional distractions:
–Repression– denying anything is wrong
–Suppression – person stops from feeling their own emotions
–Depression– drowning in painful emotions
–Regression– going back to infant behavior
–Transgression– self medicate with addictions
–Projection– they make others responsible for their feelings
Second phase is emotional unavailability
- Lack of emotional maturity and intimacy to be vulnerable with emotions
Third phase is emotional insecurity
- Lack of maturity to experience their own emotions. They depend on others to validate their emotional identity
The fourth phase is Projection
- They make others responsible for their feelings
Related post: PTSD From Emotional Abuse: Heal Your Wounds Now
The last phase is projection wounds. The ultimate abandonment trigger for the other person.
- The recipient experiences projection and interprets it as abandonment.
Abandonment Triggers:Emotional unavailability/detachment (Avoidant of emotional needs)
Playing hot and cold
In the beginning, emotionally unavailable people will show up for you when you are feeling low or at your best. Then suddenly they resort to cold behavior, similar to a mother with cold mother syndrome or narcissistic patterns . They lack the capacity to be emotionally vulnerable or available to your emotional needs. It’s like walking on egg shells because you never know when they will leave you which triggers feelings of the fear of abandonment.
The bible says in James 1:8 that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. Double-mindedness means that your heart is divided from how you see people, yourself, and God. Emotionally unavailable people are emotionally unstable and lack the capacity to be single-minded ( emotionally secure in how they think and feel in any situation in life). This person lacks faith in what God can do in their life. It is important that when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord- because you must believe to receive from God-James 1:7-8.
If you were emotionally dismissed by your mother in childhood, then you will get triggered when someone emotionally withdraws from you.
simple steps by jen
Emotionally distant
The emotionally unavailable person may not want to be there for you, passively listens, and will quickly judge and condemn you when you bring up troubles or past mistakes.
If you were emotionally dismissed by your mother in childhood, then you will get triggered when someone emotionally withdraws from you. Consider carefully if your mother ever diverted conversations to talk about herself, gave you the silent treatment, or rushed you to finish your statements. Dismissive mothers will not talk about negative emotions ( e.g., jealousy etc.), will hold grudges if you mention their dismissive behavior, and will not comfort you if you are experiencing distress unless it benefits them.
Related post:How To Overcome An Emotionally Dismissive Mother
Avoiding intimacy or deep talks
Conversations remain surface level ( reserved to texts, emails, or any communication that does not involve close contact) and may seem devoid of getting to know you. They are afraid of feeling their own emotions or showing you who they are deep inside- the deep sadness, anger, and turmoil. This is behavior that is often learned in childhood. I mention this in a previous post: Emotional Abandonment: When a Mother’s Love Abandons You
I think this happens because of the expectation that society puts on parents and children that the strongest swim near the surface of their emotions and not in deeper waters. There is an emphasis to keep emotional matters hidden and internalized alone through secrecy and deep shame.
Simple Steps By Jen
Abandonment Triggers:Emotionally needy people ( Insecure or oversensitive of emotional needs)
Lack of empathy or emotional sponges ( “empaths”)
Some emotionally insecure people are empaths. Empaths are really codependents because they have learned through childhood trauma to absorb the emotions, stress, and events of others as a coping mechanism. They live from the emotions of others instead of owning who they are without them. Empaths will also distance themselves from others with the excuse that they need to “recharge” for weeks, months, or years due to being over-stimulated with people’s negative emotions. The truth is that empaths lack the ability to empathize with someone without taking it as their own. They lack emotional identity and emotional boundaries.
Consider this, did you ever feel that you were responsible for your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
Did you ever feel that your mother’s feelings affected your emotional state? Do you relate to this statement?, I’m only happy if my mother is happy. This is Toxic Codependency in Mothers and Daughters: Learn Strong Boundaries. This is also a description of an empath in training (you take on the emotions of your mother as your responsibility).
Manipulate others to feed them emotionally
Emotionally insecure people will manipulate you to give them attention, time, and your space. This is usually done because of their constant need to be emotionally fulfilled. This can trigger someone to feel abandoned if they are not meeting the person’s emotional needs.
Non communicative of their wants and needs
They will also not communicate how they really feel about their emotional needs. They may make any excuse to get you to do something that they want.
In childhood, your mother may have expected you to magically be able to read her mind and if you didn’t, she may have shamed you with statements such as “ I shouldn’t have to tell you.” This may have caused you to fear that she will stop loving you or leave you if you did not give her what she wanted by magically knowing her internal feelings.
Constant need for validation and reassurance
Emotionally insecure people are very “needy” for you to validate who they are. They might cry or worry for the smallest critique or correction. The rationale in their mind is usually like this:
I don’t know who I am when you tell me that something that I did needs to be fixed or corrected. I feel so scared that you will leave me so I need to ask you to tell me that I am still good in your eyes. I want to constantly please you even if it hurts me!
If you don’t set emotional boundaries, you may feel stressed that this person is only with you for pep talks, affirmation, and validatiton.
Continue reading the emotional trauma series.
