If you have ever experienced trauma in your life, you may have experienced depersonalization. As a christian, this experience can raise unique questions about identity, faith, and your relationship with the people in your inner circle. In this blog post, I will share with you how God is taking me on a journey of renewed self-discovery and connecting with the heart of the Father.
What is Depersonalization?
Depersonalization is a dissociative symptom of not feeling connected with yourself. You may feel like you are disconnected from your body ( almost floating in thin air). People may also label their thoughts and emotions as being “unreal” or that they were hijacked in some way.
I remember walking my dog one night in the field outside of my home. A sudden thought came to my mind that I was not me. Thoughts raced through my mind like ” how did I get here?, who am I?, why am I in this body?” will I be trapped here? There was so much confusion and anxiety surrounding these thoughts. My dog looked at me with an inquisitive face- I think she knew that something was wrong, because I stood frozen in fear. This was a fear that I was familiar with from childhood.
In childhood, I experienced sexual abuse multiple times. I remember going to secret places in my mind to escape from the pain of facing traumatic memories. That is what I believe was happening to me that night. I or rather my mind was escaping from current life issues ( the idea of adopting a child and work stress). Most of all, I felt loneliness, isolation, and fear.
Root Causes of Depersonalization
The causes of depersonalization can vary widely. Some common triggers include:
- Stress and Anxiety: High levels of stress or anxiety can cause a person’s mind to detach itself from the body as a form of protection from overwhelming emotions.
- Trauma: Childhood trauma can also cause a person to disassociate from people, places, or surroundings ( time/place). Loneliness ( e.g., childhood neglect caused me to feel as if I would have to care for a child on my own and deal with stress at work without support).
- Mental Health Disorders: Other symptoms like PTSD, depression, or OCD can lead to depersonalization. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( PTSD) is often accompanied with other underlying mental symptoms such as general anxiety, paranoia, obsessive compulsory disorder, disassociation, and attachment style issues. PTSD can also lead to C-PTSD ( chronic post-traumatic stress disorder) which is a type of trauma that occurs long-term because a person is not able to overcome the stressors that come with traumatic events. Hence, the name “post traumatic stress disorder.” PTSD/C-PTSD can also develop from unprocessed trauma and some of the emotional distractions that mothers will use to cope with their emotions. Some of these emotional distractions include: denying anything is wrong, stopping yourself from feeling any painful or uncomfortable emotions, depression, reverting back to infant-like behavior, transgression, and projecting your uncomfortable feelings onto other people.
Symptoms of Depersonalization
Some of the symptoms that I experienced with depersonalization include:
- A feeling of being outside of my body and that my thoughts were not my own ( I felt like an imposter living in a foreign place)
- A feeling of emotional numbness with myself, my dog, and God
- Not being aware of the present moment and my surroundings
Coping with Depersonalization
These are some strategies that you can use to help you cope with depersonalization:
- Nurture Your heart: Engage in some self-talk such as telling yourself that you are okay and safe in the Father’s arms. God is your Heavenly Father and is always with you.
- Talk with the Holy Spirit: The Holy Spirit’s role is to provide deep comfort and to remind you that you are one with God ( Spirit to spirit and heart to heart).
- Use your senses to help you stay grounded: Touch ( touch something cold or hot), taste (drink a glass of cold water), feel something in your hand ( cold block of ice, a rock, etc.), hear ( listen to the birds chirping outside).
- Move your body: Get your body moving by running or taking a light jog.
- Journal and read the Bible: Journal your thoughts on paper so that you can have a realistic view on whether your they align with God’s word and His grace for you.
- Share your struggles with community: Let others that you trust know about your struggles so that you can continue the process of healing, growth, and transformation.
- Focus on Jesus and not on tomorrow: Jesus is in the present and in the here and now. When you keep your focus on the future, you may start to experience anxiety and confusion about who you are in the present. Be thankful for what God is doing right now in your life.
